Flying Free, Moving Forward

This morning grief hit me like a tidal wave, unexpected and all consuming I wailed at the sudden longing and emptiness that was dragging me under again. My heart physically aching, I buried my face into the pillow to drown out the sound of my own cries, a sound I can’t bear, disconnected and not of myself.

That’s what grief does, sneaks up on you when you least expect it, destroying the façade of normality you’ve been building back up, and forcing you to feel everything all over again.

 

There is no ‘normal’ anymore, not that there was ever much with me, but now I struggle with my ‘difference’ and with the word ‘mum’. I gave birth, and everyone tells me, “you are Robyn’s mum, you always will be”, but I don’t feel like a mum. The only way I can describe how I feel is this; when I was in labour, when I was so determined to push through the physical and emotional pain, it’s then that I felt like ‘mum’. I had a purpose, willing myself to give birth to our daughter, but as soon as Robyn was born, in that silent instance, I felt alone, just me, not quite the same me as before, but not ‘mum’.
I struggle with that empty word the most, but in one way it’s what keeps me moving forward, keeps me as strong as I can be, because I want nothing more than to be ‘mum’.

 

Since Robyn’s funeral, the sun has shone and the world pulls me out into that sunlight to move forward a little more each day. My husbands love and strength through his own grief fuels my determination for our future. The support and love of our family and friends inspires me and reminds me of all the good in people, throwing me a life jacket when those waves of sadness cover me.
Through the symbolism of her name our home will now always be filled with gifts and images of our little red Robyn, and with the help of Tara (aftertheraincomessunshine.com) and Clare (mudandnettles.com) she will fly free. *Robyn’s travel bug is currently in Portugal (pictured in the main post image) and fingers crossed she will explore many more places. I can’t express how grateful we are for all these wonderful gestures and gifts to help us ‘move forward’, whilst also helping us to remember our beautiful daughter in a positive way.

I read this post recently: Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level. As I have previously mentioned, I take no comfort in religion. Discussions on bereavement and baby loss sites and forums using terms such as ‘angel babies’ and talking about heaven, etc make me feel even more ‘different’ and excluded, but this, this is beautiful. To quote Laura’s post:

 

Sometimes science is filled with transcendent meaning more beautiful than any poem.

Any woman who has ever been pregnant, even if she miscarried so early she never knew she was with child, is likely to be a microchimera (a person who carries the cells of another person).  Fetal cells have the imprint of her child’s father and his ancestry. Fetal cells can be shared from one pregnancy to another, meaning the cells of older siblings may float within younger siblings.Laura Grace Weldon

 

Last but most definitely not least, the most positive of all is the fact that so far you have raised £350 in Robyn’s memory for the baby charity, Tommy’s and we also have a donation to give to the maternity department at our local hospital too. Thankyou! If anything positive can come from our daughters death it has to be the gift of life to others X

*Find out more about Geocaching over at Mud and Nettles and vote for Clare’s blog in the MAD blog awards in the ‘Best Family Fun’ section! 🙂

I’m going to be adding a permanent link to Robyn’s travel bug in the sidebar, so you can follow her travels!

 

14 thoughts on “Flying Free, Moving Forward

    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thanks, it is a great idea and something that in different circumstances is still a fantastic idea, I should imagine kids would love it and geocaching in general! x

      Reply
  1. Clare

    Beautiful post Mands. So pleased that Tara initiated the travel bug, such a wonderful idea and so fitting with your beautiful outlook on life.
    I saw your Facebook post earlier and I will be thinking of you in the days ahead.
    How wonderful you have raised so much in Robyn’s memory. One of my best friends lost her daughter Isabelle in the same circumstances and she has gone on to raise lots for the cause too. What wonderful legacies for these cherished babies and what strong mothers you are.
    Much love x

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thankyou for inspiring this post and giving a positive, fun way to remember Robyn! Also for getting us interested in geocaching, another way for me to get fitter too 😀

      Hope you win in the MAD awards, getting kids excited about the outdoors, exploring nature and having adventures as a family certainly gets my vote. This will give our family, when we have some siblings for Robyn something to all go out together and enjoy…I think I’d get arrested if I took children UrbExing 😀 X

      Reply
  2. Tara

    I like the idea from Laura’s quote, I hadn’t heard that before.

    I wish there was more I could do but I’m glad the bug helps in a small way (thank goodness Clare knew what she was doing!) Such a great amount to raise too.

    Sending hugs.

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Its a nice blog with lots of uplifting stories on there. I was never a big blog reader (besides recipes), but now I love them and all the variety, all peoples true stories are really uplifting!

      That’s why the bug helps, it’s something fun, something more ‘us’. Grief is miserable enough, without continually reading negative stuff. Thankyou so much for thinking of this idea for us, I do love it 🙂

      I have a plan for raising awareness soon, not so much mithering people for money, but more making people think, which I think is as important (if not more), and it’ll be fun 🙂 It’s going to take a bit of planning though! X

      Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      It is a lovely way of looking at things, knowing how we’re all linked and that we carry around a part of our children even when they’re not with us, AND they help heal us, particularly our hearts, though I can’t see mine ever truly mending, things like this do keep me more positive. Thanks for reading X

      Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thankyou for reading and commenting 🙂 Yes, I think that is one of the most comforting things I’ve read, knowing we carry a part of children with us. I have a food related fundraising and awareness idea that will be fun, I just need to plan it out a bit! 🙂 x

      Reply

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