If you’ve got a sweet tooth and like a slice of cake get round to our house and help yourself! It seems my coping mechanism is to bake, cook and then bake some more. Fortunately I haven’t got that much of a sweet tooth, so I don’t eat all that much of my own baking, I just palm it all off on friends and family. Baking comes fairly easy to me, I’m almost on auto pilot when I do bake.
After the shock of Robyn’s death had eased a little, I made my way back into the kitchen. I’ll admit I stuffed up a couple of recipes and binned some flat, rather disgusting tasting cakes, but it wasn’t long before the baking zen kicked in again (thanks Nan).
I’m not saying smashing out an endless supply of cakes will work for everyone, but I do think indulging in a creative hobby helps, focusing your mind elsewhere. Everyone needs a little relief from that overwhelming first wave of grief that hits after the shock and numbness has begun to fade. Though there is no pattern with grief, no order, and it’ll vary from anger, guilt, pain (emotional and physical), to the inability to think of anything else.
Until now I don’t think I’ve really experienced grief, yes family members have died and I have been upset and the sadness has lasted for a while and I still feel that sadness when I think of them. Losing Robyn has been on a completely different level. Its like a vast emptiness inside, a tightening pain crushing my heart. I cried so much the other day I actually ‘cried’ out loud, low howls of pain that I just couldn’t keep in anymore. Everyday I cry, I’ve stopped trying to control it now, it doesn’t help, and I need it out! The majority of people I know have never seen me cry, there’s nothing wrong with crying, but its just so alien to me and I feel so out of control. Baking is my control, my calm, even though a lot of the time I don’t appear all that calm in the kitchen, just ask Tom! 😉 I need that relief.
Tomorrow is Robyn’s funeral, which has made the past few days even worse, but I know we’ve got to say goodbye. As unwilling as we are to ‘let go’, we need to move forward. There’s no switch to flick that will make everything better, but we need to see the future beyond the grief, and I need to focus on something positive, beyond cake! 🙂
I’ve added a link in the sidebar for Robyn’s donation page for Tommy’s, it was initially just for close friends and family who wanted to make a donation instead of buying flowers for the funeral. Now I’ve decided to actively promote the charity on my blog, and hopefully raise some awareness through my posts on the subject of stillbirth. If you’d like to donate to the important research being carried out, or just read more about their health campaigns for pregnancy, that would be amazing! 🙂 X
P.S. Lot’s of cake recipes to be added soon 😉