All Is Dream

All Is Dream

I’m writing this first and foremost for family and friends. I think those of you who know me well, know that I don’t like to ‘talk’, I don’t express my emotions easily, I’m not a sharer. The past few days have been filled with well meaning health professionals sat….waiting…watching…expecting (in vain) an emotional response. Neither me nor Tom want or feel comfortable publicly sharing our grief, tears, anger, snot… 🙂 Together though we are an unstoppable team who will get through this, in our own time and in our own way.
Part of that ‘way’ for me is blogging. I started blogging 5 years ago, just before I discovered I had breast cancer. I found that writing a blog was very cathartic, and the only way at the time I could openly express all the emotions I was feeling. I wish I’d of kept that blog going, but I figured, ‘I’ve moved on I don’t need this anymore’. Now, well it seems the right thing to do, to keep this blog alive. As ironic as it sounded to me at first, ‘Mother Mands’, I AM a mother and I need to write, to tell our story, it’s up to you if you want to carry on reading knowing the subject I’m about to discuss is the death of our daughter.

 

I just remember staring at the ceiling, focused on the light fittings, willing myself to ‘wake-up’, because I had to be dreaming.

The deafening silence of the heart monitor and the midwife’s apologetic looks as she searched for another, ‘newer’ machine, it all became unreal and I almost felt as though I were floating. Surely this was a dream?

Then I heard Tom’s voice in the corridor, back from picking up my notes, we we’re in such a rush to leave the house, so excited, I’d completely forgotten them.

I felt like I was suffocating, how could I tell him?

As he entered the room I was staring blankly and I just whispered, “the machine, I can’t hear anything on the machine”. I knew…we knew.

Two monitors and a scan later, the consultant confirmed my dream was actually a nightmare. 40 weeks and 3 day over, our baby girl had no heart beat, the daughter we were so desperate to meet had died.
I don’t remember anything else that was said, though I recall it wasn’t much and the silent observing began. All I wanted was to hold Tom until we melted together and everything else disappeared, to close our eyes and forget, but the growing waves of pain reminded me this was just the beginning. The beginning of a journey I never expected or wanted, but I am so glad I’m travelling with the love and support of my family and friends and especially Tom.

I can’t write all of this in one go, it’s really painful remembering some of the details, but I want to share our story because its not all tears and sadness, there is a lot of joy, humour and in particular love and I hope something good will come from all of this.

22 thoughts on “All Is Dream

  1. Lynsey

    Oh Mand, there are no words that can even start to take you pain away. I know this from my own experience. In 2001 we had a perfect little boy called Thomas, perfect in every way except the fact that he was stillborn. I was 38 weeks gone and everything was ready for him.
    I can tell you now that the pain will always be there but it will become ‘bearable’ take all the time you both need and find support in each other. Everyone deals with this terrible bereavement differently so I can only say what Graham and I did but remember there’s no rights or wrongs for this one. We were offered all sorts of support from different officials but in the end we pulled each other through. We came out emotionally battered and exhausted but we did come out in the end. Once life had started to return to ‘normal’ and everyone else was getting on I felt left behind. Sometimes nobody would mention him for days, weeks or even months and I couldn’t believe that everyone had forgotten. Of course they hadn’t they just didn’t want to upset me. I would find myself steering conversation round just so I could say his name. This faded but I still find ways of telling people about my amazing baby even now after all these years. Your beautiful Robyn has a place in your family and your life and no matter how many children you and Tom end up having the gap will never be filled but your smiles will return and as a couple you will be stronger than ever before. Nothing can break Graham and I now. We know we can over come anything just as you and Tom will.
    Please feel free to call me anytime for a chat, rant, scream. Whatever you need.
    Sending all my love to you all xxx

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      I always think of that conversation we had when we first met and you first told me about Thomas, and I couldn’t even imagine, but I knew then that having cancer was nothing in comparison to losing a child and now I know that is definitely true. You also said about how irrelevant, petty little problems become and I can totally agree with that! I know it’s going to take some doing, and it’s hard to see how we can think of everyday life without imagining how things would be if our daughter was here, but seeing/meeting our little girl was amazing and like you say, no matter how many children we have, Robyn is our first born, our little girl and I don’t ever want to forget her, I know we won’t. Both messages from you and Graham have been a real help to us both, thankyou, and I know for a fact if we have a relationship half as strong as you and Graham, we’re sorted! 😉 and nothing brings a smile to my face more than thinking of you pair dancing! 😀 magic! X

      Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thankyou Lou! X I’m still so shocked as to how many families have to go through the horror of miscarriage and stillbirth everyday, the numbers are so high 🙁

      Reply
  2. Rachel

    I don’t think I have the words to offer other than I am so sorry and you are in my thoughts. Sending you so much love. xxxxxx

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thankyou Rachel! You’re message means a lot to us, and I wouldn’t know what to write either, it’s great to me just to know people are there 😉 X

      Reply
  3. Ankia

    Mands,

    Tears run down my face as I read your blog. There are no words. No words are ever enough to soften the blow of such a traumatic event. Know, that although there are millions that feel the ache in there heart, the lump in their throat, the knot in their stomach and the stinging burn of eyes exhausted with the effort of tears, You are the only one that know exactly how you feel. Millions have empathy and sympathy, but nobody ‘knows’ how you feel, because you are unique. Just like your daughter is and always will be. My heart is aching with memory and loneliness as empathy overwhelms me. You and Tom have each other. Hold on tight, don’t let go.
    I am a very firm believer in ‘everything happens for a reason.’ and even though you may not know the reason right now, don’t see any rhyme or reason in the events and most certainly do not like it. Hold on to the fact that it happened for a reason. You are where you are supposed to be. You may not be where you want to be or where you thought you might be, but you are where you are supposed to be.
    xx

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      That’s a beautiful post Ankia! And ‘things happen for a reason’ has always kind of been my philosophy! I’m not religious in the slightest, but a part of me would love to believe there is a bigger force at work, but it’s a lot more random than, ‘some bloke in the sky’, more nature, the universe, a bit Tao (Alan Watts). I just always feel like everything that happens teaches me something, as shit and horrible as those ‘lessons’ are at the time. So yes I understand your post and agree. I just wish this wasn’t the way is has to be, and it hadn’t meant saying goodbye to the love of my life!

      I hope you are well anyway, it’s been so long since I saw you, I hope life is good and please keep in touch! 🙂 X

      Reply
  4. Sazmeredith

    Dear Amanda, I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I am moved to tears by what you have written and cannot believe how what should be such a happy occasion can suddenly turn into such a tragic event. I cannot pretend to even imagine how you are feeling as I’m not a mum myself. My own Mum passed away last week and as both her and my Dad have gone in the last two years, it is very difficult. However they both had 70 happy years together and that is the natural order of things.
    I’m a friend of Gemma’s (I’ve known her since she was a little girl – I’m 14 years older) – she is one of my dearest friends and through her I have got to know your lovely and very talented brother. I know therefore that you have a great family around you and although it sounds cliched, I know that you and Tom will come through this even stronger. You’re all in my thoughts (I don’t do prayers!). All my love, Sara xxxxx

    Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      🙂 I/we don’t do prayers either so don’t worry! Thankyou for posting, especially when you have plenty of your own grief to get through, really sorry to hear of your loss, either way losing loved ones is horrendous . I think as horrible and frightening as death is, we all need to face it and talk about it a lot more than we do. Keeping it taboo makes it so much harder for a lot of people to move on and for important issues to be discussed.

      I know all this isn’t going to be easy, but it’s made so much harder if we were to not talk as easily as we do and I just want people to remember with all that’s happened it’s still ‘Mand and Tom’ and though we’ll cry, get angry and all the other emotions, we’ll also still laugh/have the same sense of humour, chat away to everyone, bake, listen to metal (me) and watch rubbish walk through’s on YouTube (Tom), and neither of us want people walking on egg shells around us! 🙂 Another idea for a future post!
      I’m sure Gemma will tell you what I’m like and how me and Daniel differ 😀 he’s the soft git! 🙂 but I love him to bits along with all my family & friends. Sounds like Gemma’s got a great friend in you! 😉 X

      Reply
    1. Mother Mands Post author

      Thank you, both of you! 😉 You’ve got 2 choices in life, give up or get on with it! And it’s too short to give up on, and for all the crap stuff, lots of amazing stuff happens too! Love right back at the three of you! 😉 X

      Reply
  5. Kim Yorke

    Mand..I couldn’t help but shed a few tears for you and Tom.. Your dream turning to heartbreak in a moment, so cruel and undeserved..Sending love and all my very best wishes to you both xxx

    Reply
  6. MurderOfGoths

    Oh darling, I know there are no words I can say to ease your heartache, but I am here for you in any way I can be. I am glad to know you, even if only virtually. Sending you all my love xxx

    Reply
  7. Clare

    I am so very sorry Mands. Be gentle with yourself dear mamma. Gah! Words are so inadequate when it comes to such pain. I am sending compassionate thoughts to you into the universe. Clare xx

    Reply

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